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Mark Twain Quotes |
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After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the
beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside
it without her. |
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It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with
confidence, stands a good chance to deceive. |
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A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read. |
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Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. |
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The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. |
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Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
because we are not the person involved. |
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In India, 'cold weather' is merely a conventional phrase and has come
into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between
weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only
make it mushy. |
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But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common
humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? |
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Golf is a good walk spoiled. |
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Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority
off guard and allow you opportunity to commit more. |
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A lie can travel halfway round the world while the truth is putting on
its shoes. |
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A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which
gives immortality to conversation. |
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All humor is derrived from pain, ergo nothing in Heaven is funny. |
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All kings is mostly rapscallions. |
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All the modern inconveniences ... |
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All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success
is sure. |
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A man came into the the office one day and said he was a sailor. We
cured him of that. |
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A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. |
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The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
prejudice. |
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Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. |
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The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting
started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small
manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one. |
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An average English word is four letters and a half. By hard, honest
labor I've dug all the large words out of my vocabulary and shaved it
down till the average is three and a half. |
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A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling: For example, in Year 1
that useless letter ''c'' would be dropped to be replased either by
''k'' or ''s'', and likewise ''x'' would no longer be part of the
alphabet. The only kase in which ''c'' would be retained would be the ''ch''
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform ''w''
spelling, so that ''which'' and ''one'' would take the same konsonant,
wile Year 3 might well abolish ''y'' replasing it with ''i'' and Iear 4
might fiks the ''g/j'' anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the
improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with
useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the
rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud
fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez ''c'', ''y'' and
''x'' -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu
riplais ''ch'', ''sh'', and ''th'' rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam
20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in
iusxrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. |
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I love Wagner--if only they'd cut out all that damned singing!
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The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who
can't read them. |
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Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress.
But I repeat myself. |
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. |
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Don't let schooling interfere with your education. |
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Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright
law on the planet. |
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You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label. |
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Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw
that statement. |
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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. |
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Wagner's music is better than it sounds. |
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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've
done it thousands of times. |
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When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly
stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was
astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years. |
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And she had a bath once a year .....whether she needed it or not. |
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An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces. |
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An experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar. |
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Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than
someone who hasn't. |
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Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. |
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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society. |
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Be virtuous and you will be eccentric. |
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A verb has a hard time enough of it in this world when it's all
together. It's downright inhuman to split it up. But that's just what
those Germans do. They take part of a verb and put it down here, like a
stake, and they take the other part of it and put it away over yonder
like another stake, and between these two limits they just shovel in
German. |
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Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly,
don't tell them where they know the fish. |
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Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired
by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's life.
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Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first. |
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Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden
rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
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Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. |
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Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about
it. |
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Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
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Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good
example. |
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Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. |
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George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest
accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie. |
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Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish. |
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The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner. |
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It seems to me that it was far from right for [Professor Siddoway
Lounsbury], [Professor Matthews], and Wilkie Collins to deliver opinions
on Cooper's literature without having read some of it. |
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The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. |
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