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Listen up girlies!
The U.S. Government's
Department of Homeland Security has a new website,
http://www.ready.gov
. It is meant to prepare citizens for an eventual biological, chemical,
nuclear or radiological terrorist attack.
Here
are a few interpretations.
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin
Diesel, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it
instead of seeing a doctor.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at
least one(1) armless hand.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead,
dead eyes, run the f*** away.
Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common.
Think about it.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend
to rub their hands together manically.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be
rescued.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region.
After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have
mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close
the window. No one wants to see that s***.
-- If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio,
cower in the corner or run like hell.
If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until
they stop.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for
it.
Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
-- A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection
against radiation.
Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least
you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.
I hope these help prepare you for anything now, and in the future.
---Editor |
