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Joke Archive |
Aging Mildred was a
93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of
her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join
him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with
quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to
shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first
place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and
become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire
as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the
doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted
to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
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Hussein Family Tree
Now that Uday and Qusay have
been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to
the attention of American authorities.
Among the brothers:
Sooflay................... the restaurateur
Guday..................... the half-Australian brother
Huray..................... the sports fanatic
Bejay......................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay............the twins from the African mother
Sayhay.....................the baseball player
Ojay.......................the stalker / murderer
Gulay......................the singer / entertainer
Ebay.......................the internet czar
Biliray....................the country music star
Ecksray....................the radiologist
Puray......................the blender factory owner
Regay......................the half-Jamaican brother Among the sisters:
Pusay......................the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay.....................the coffee shop owner
Bufay......................the 300 pound sister
Dushay.....................the clean sister
Phayray....................the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway...................the grocery store owner
Ollay......................the half-Mexican sister
Gudlay.....................the prostitute
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After a hearty Louisiana rainstorm filled all the
potholes in the back yard, a young mother watched her two little boys
playing in a water puddle through her kitchen window. The older
five year old boy grabbed his sibling by the back of the head and
shoved his face into the water hole. As the younger boy recovered and
stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the back yard in a
panic.
"Why on Earth did you do that to your little
brother?" she inquired as she shook the older boy in anger. "We were
just playing 'church', Mommy" he said. I was baptizing him like the
preacher did in church last Sunday. I said "I now baptize you in the
name of the father, the son, and in-the-hole-he-goes!"
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Hillary-arious |
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A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him
everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by
the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers
were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was
being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked,
"Sir, what are you doing!?!"
The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh,
nothing - just looking around.
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It Takes a Village
People |
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A man came home from work one day to find
his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm
going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going. She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can
make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned
to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are
going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a
year!"
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George Dubya Rap
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 How to Tell if You
Have a Male Cat |
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Two cannibals are eating
a clown. One stops and says to the other:
''Does this taste funny to you?''
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A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He
approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop
asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with
big tits." |
Actual Labels
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
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ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
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Hillary-isms |
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"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the
White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an
affair she said 'I could hardly breath, I was gulping for air.' No,
I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton's book hit the stores this month.
Oh boy, it took her a long time to write it. But in her defense,
every time she tried to use the desk, Bill was always using it for a
date." - Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much of her
personality shines through, that in the end, you'll want to sleep
with an intern." - Craig Kilborn
"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it
was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married,
and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page
two, the trouble starts." - Jay Leno "
"Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for
publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter.
Well, in all fairness, fiction is a lot harder to write." - Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York,
announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of
the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly
disappointed, he is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a
two-impeachment family." - David Letterman
"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new
home in Washington.
People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White
House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." - Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his
campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a
promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the
night on the couch." - Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn
"Hillary
Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of
New York. When they swore her in, she used the
Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with
only seven commandments." - David Letterman
"CNN found that
Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in
America.
Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her
because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." - Jay Leno
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Two Hours
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to
her son playing with his new airplane in the living room. She heard her son
say, "All you sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now, cause this
is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get
your asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off now."
The outraged mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in
this house. Now, go to your room and stay there for
TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your plane, but I want you
to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and
resumes playing with his plane. Soon the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are deplaning, please remember to take all of your belongings
with you. We thank you for flying with us today and hope your trip was a
pleasant one and that you'll be flying with us again soon." She
hears him continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. And remember, there is no
smoking on the plane. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, " . . . and for those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Dream Date
A man's dining in a fancy restaurant, and a
gorgeous redhead is sitting at the next table. Though he'd been checking her out
since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites
him to the theater followed by drinks.
After paying for everything, she asks
him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for
breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the
perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye." |
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Actual Notes Given to Teachers
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.
Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also
33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from PE for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and
his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we
thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
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How to Tell if you have a Male Cat? CLICK HERE |
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 Tai
Kwon Leap...CLICK HERE |
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Little Nancy was in the garden
filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he
politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I’ve just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your fucking cat." |
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STRANGE RECORDINGS ON PATIENT CHARTS!
Too much work, too much to think about are
probably the reasons that lead to the following mistakes which were
assembled from patients charts...
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The lab test
indicated abnormal lover function.
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The baby was delivered, the cord
clamped and cut, and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and
cried immediately.
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Exam of genitalia reveals that he
is circus sized.
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She stated that she had been
constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a
divorce.
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The patient was in his usual state
of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
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Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
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Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
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A midsystolic ejaculation murmur
heard over the mitral area.
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The patient lives at home with his
mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day
care three times a week.
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Both breasts are equal and reactive
to light and accommodation.
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She is numb from her toes down.
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Exam of genitalia was completely
negative except for the right foot.
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The patient was to have a bowel
resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.
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When she fainted, her eyes rolled
around the room.
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Examination reveals a
well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
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She has no rigors or chills but her
husband says she was very hot in bed last night.
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She can't get pregnant with her
husband, so I will work her up.
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Whilst in Casualty she was
examined, X-rated and sent home.
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The patient states there is a
burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
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On the second day the knee was
better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
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The patient has been depressed ever
since she began seeing me in 1983.
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I will be happy to go into her GI
system, she seems ready and anxious.
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Patient was released to outpatient
department without dressing.
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I have suggested that he loosen his
pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of
his wife, they should fall to the floor.
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The patient is tearful and crying
constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
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Discharge status: Alive but without
permission.
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The patient will need disposition,
and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
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Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year
old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
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The patient has no past history of
suicides.
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The patient expired on the floor
uneventfully.
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Patient has left his white blood
cells at another hospital.
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Patient was becoming more demented
with urinary frequency.
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The patient's past medical history
has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain
in the past three days.
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She slipped on the ice and
apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
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The patient experienced sudden
onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute
pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually
deteriorated in the emergency room.
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Patient has chest pains if she lies
on her left side for over a year.
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He had a left-toe amputation one
month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.
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By the time he was admitted, his
rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.
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The patient is a 79-year-old widow
who no longer lives with her husband.
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The patient refused an autopsy.
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Many years ago the patient had
frostbite of the right shoe.
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The bugs that grew out of her urine
were cultured in the Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND
THEM!!!
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The patient left the hospital
feeling much better except for her original complaints.
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One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow
really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug
store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs
$10."
Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took
his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making
some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause,
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
“You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.”
Late that evening while thinking how amazing
this new technology was and how it would change medical science
forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He
decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To
top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the
machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer
again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.
Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never
get better.” |
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| 4/27 |
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a
light bulb? Don't know?
You don't know because you weren't there man! |
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| 4/23 |
A man is at
the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him
home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times.
When I get to
his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front
door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say,
"Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
----Henny
Youngman
more |
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What to Say
to Telemarketers |
| 4/21 |
If they want to loan you money,
tell
them you just filed for bankruptcy and you sure could use some
money.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want
to know?". Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my
dog just died" when they try to get to the sell, just keep talking
about your problems.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company,
ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to
spell the company name. Then
ask them
where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or
questions about their company for as long as necessary.
This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy
and I'm with XYZ company" You: Wait for a second and with a real
husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy, is that YOU? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you been?" Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of
terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you
from.
Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is
most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI or AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family &
Friends Plan, reply in as Sinister a voice as you can. "I don't have
any friends. Would you be my friend?"
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you
get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel,
ask him / her to marry
you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just
give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often
can't sell to employees.
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set
the receiver down, shout or
scream "Oh my God!!!" then hang up.
Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment and
ask them
to give you their HOME phone number
so you can call them back. When
they explain that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I
guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home right?" The
telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang
up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, BUT
ask if they would please hold. Put
them on speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack you food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
Tell the telemarketer you are "grounded" and ask if they could bring
you some beer.
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"C'mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your mom?"
If they are selling magazines,
ask them if they come in Braille.
Tell them to talk VERY
SLOWLY, because
you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.
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Favorite Bumper
Stickers |
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I want to be just like Barbie, that bitch has everything
One by one the penguins steal my sanity!
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
Fat People are harder to kidnap
My son got your honor roll student pregnant
If Barbie is so popular, how come you gotta buy her friends?
Don't Piss Me Off, I'm Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies
get in! sit down! shut up! hold on!
Curiosity killed the cat; but for a while I was a suspect
The Genepool needs CHLORINE
My wife complains about me not listening to her . . .
or something like that
I still miss my ex, but my aim is getting better
Sometimes it's just not worth chewing through
the leather straps in the morning
Real friends stab you in the front
love is grand...divorce is twenty grand
I'm in no shape to exercise
Come the Rapture ---can I have your car?
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4/18 |
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PAC MAN GAME |
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Michael Jackson Baby Drop Game |
| 4/17 |
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Four married guys go fishing. After an
hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to
do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife
that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to
promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I
had to promise my wife I'll remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized
that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't
said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this
weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "Nothing. I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went
off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or
Sex?" And she said, "Wear a sweater."
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| 4/16 |
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After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the
pearly gates.
There, he was greeted by
George
Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington,
slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry
came up from behind "You wanted to end the American's liberty, so they
gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison
came next and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for
the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subjected to similar beatings from
John Randolph,
James Monroe
and 67 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he
writhed on the ground,
Thomas
Jefferson
hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he
screamed "This is not what I was promised!"
An Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting
for you. "What did you think I said?" |
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| 4/14/03 |
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New
York. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an American got on and took the aisle seat. After
takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, I think I’ll get up and
get a beer." No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe
and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That
looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the American obligingly went
to get it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and
spat in it. When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the American
slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He
looked at the two Arabs and asked, "Why does it have to be this way?" How
long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred?
This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?" |
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4/13/03 |
A housewife takes a lover during the day,
while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was
hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid
her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover
are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts
the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes
the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again" |
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